We can experience and enjoy love in so many ways - familial love, romantic love, self-love, friendships, and through our love for community. As a clinician, I often work with individuals and couples on increasing love by implementing attachment research. Dr. Sue Johnson describes secure attachment as an experience of receiving positive emotional accessibility, emotional responsiveness, and emotional engagement. I believe consistency and support also apply, particularly as we look at the science of trust and Dr. John Gottman’s 5-to-1 ratio; for every one negative, we need five positives to override it. Upon discussing the topic of love with my spouse, we compared our experiences, including love for our relationship, our child, and our careers and lifestyle, and found that another key aspect is joy.

In my tendency to go back to science, I reflected upon Dr. Brené Brown’s definition of play. In her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” she writes, “a critically important component of wholehearted living is play,” and in “The Power of Vulnerability,” we learn that play involves “losing track of time.” She further highlights Dr. Stewart Brown’s definition of play as “purposeless” and “as essential to our health and functioning as rest.” (Brown, Stewart. “Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul”). As Brené Brown further illustrates, a byproduct of play is the experience of getting lost in the moment so much so that there is a letting go of our awareness of how much time has passed, not wanting the play to end, and no longer being distracted with the perpetual concern of how we are perceived by others. We often hear so much about and are encouraged to engage in self-care, yet, how many of us examine how much time we are allotting to play? Looking at play through this lens, we have the opportunity to reflect upon our time alone as well as with our partners, family members, friends, co-workers, and community and ask, “When was the last time I felt the joy of letting go fully?”

Additional questions that may spark inspiration to add more play can be found via the Gottman Card Deck (Available for free in the Apple App and Google Play stores). These include, for example, exploring what you enjoy doing on vacation, on the weekends, or during your free time, in addition to “What would you do if you won $100,000?”

As we continue to strive toward implementing practices that increase overall well-being, it’s worth it to consider the different ways that our relationships with ourselves and others reflect our ability to feel secure and joyful. My new one-day “Principles for Making Relationships Work” course taking place March 26th from 10am - 2pm (in-person and virtually) will give you a peek into the world-renowned Gottman Love Lab, guide you and your partner through lessons on how to have healthy conflict and engage in an exercise that is proven to be the #1 predictor of a successful relationship. Alexandria Stylebook readers receive an exclusive 10% discount on this workshop with code STYLEBOOK.