An Incomplete List of What I've Learned Before My 40th Birthday
The only online topic that has been written about more than Taylor Swift and her boyfriend are articles about turning 40. Most are trying to crack the code of happiness; will the 5th decade be filled with elation, confidence and joy or one you would be forced to white knuckle through until the real life satisfactions of your 50s arrives? Scientifically, the midlife crisis is real and a meaningful shift in psychology happens at the midpoint of this decade. Turning 40 didn’t really mean very much to me until I had my daughter, who is now two.
Raising her now means that my age really matters. I do daily math, “If she decides to have children at the age I did I will be 76 when I become a grandmother” or “when she graduates high school I will be 57.” This mental math all adds up to one thing: I want to be there and I don’t want to be too old when we do arrive. My birthday is this month and I’m finding it to be such an inflection point; perhaps my first real one. I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to use the milestone as an opportunity to “live the life I want to live,” but more an opportunity to better understand and reflect on what I believe as a person who most days feels like a glorified adolescent with a pooch and wrinkles.
What no one wants to say is that if the law of averages holds true, I am likely closer to my death than I am to my birth. And no matter how much my more seasoned friends assure me that it’s fine, this reality really does something to a person. When I told a 40-something woman this exact statement after my pilates class she said, “oh no, we don’t think about that. You just put that thought somewhere else. Like deep in your freezer.”
This conjecture leads me to believe that happy decade or not it feels a bit like a second adolescence. I have yet to harness the deep confidence and security that women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s seem to have mastered. And the social and identity consciousness of younger millennials and Gen Z behind me–does not motivate me in the same way. I seem to be standing awkwardly in between (which should feel comfortable as a bisexual woman, but alas, here we are).
I wanted to mark the big occasion by writing down, mostly for myself but also for you to enjoy, what I think I’ve learned or know in my 40 years on this Earth:
You can’t worry about things you can’t control. This is a lesson I work on almost daily.
Stop explaining yourself, especially at work.
Stop saying you’re sorry–unless you’re actually sorry.
People are going to judge you regardless of what you do, might as well do what is best for you.
Be yourself, authenticity is really hard to dislike.
As annoying and trite as it sounds, just about everything you experience is a season, albeit some are longer than others. I am learning to relish the happy seasons and shoulder through the less desirable ones. When it’s bad my mom has always said, “it’s your turn right now.”
Sleep. Sometimes it’s the only thing that matters.
Your friend group is smaller, sacred and deeply meaningful.
You are no longer funny to anyone under the age of errrrr, 29.
Your friends and your friend’s loved ones will start to have serious and often scary health issues which leads to…
You start to think about death in a super tangible way. Your own and your loved ones.
Sometimes you strain your neck lifting a heavy bag of trash.
Oh the skincare…
You can’t see shit.
Being the most beautiful person in the room doesn’t feel nearly as good as being the most secure.
16. Becoming a mother enlightened me to the power of women. My mind is boggled when I think of what we are capable of.
17. Grief is the ghost of futures past, present and future. Get to know her. I also personally believe that she is the only teacher of true exuberance and gratitude.
18. Everything is nuanced. Run from anything or anyone that has absolute truths or black and white arguments.
19. I do fear invisibility as I age – I try to remember that those I will be invisible to are irrelevant in the first place.
20. I hate small talk, so I no longer engage in it.
21. Social media is bad for us, especially women. I can’t quit it, but I hope to.
22. Young pilots, doctors and teachers invoke an embarrassing level of skepticism deep within me.
23. I am less and less interested in winning an argument or changing minds and more and more interested in understanding what the person in front of me knows that I don’t.
24. You don’t have to actually be 40 yet to engage in mid-life crisis level decisions. For example, closing down a beloved business perhaps a bit before its prime.
25. You will ALWAYS look at a picture of your younger self with a pang of regret for not appreciating how great you looked.
26. I’m still waiting for body acceptance. I hype myself up but I’m still critical.
27. Don’t ever take your mobility for granted. Moving is a privilege.
