5 Tips On Co-Parenting Through Summer
Summer is an amazing time for you and your kiddos. You take vacations, see extended family, experience new routines and opportunities, and create new memories. But it can also cause a lot of co-parenting headaches. Beach house rentals usually run Saturday to Saturday or Sunday to Sunday, creating conflict with the visitation agreements. You may disagree on which summer camps to enroll your children in; if your child is at an age where they are just starting a new school, there may be a disagreement about which school to attend. You get the idea.
Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema
Here are my top five tips for co-parenting in these situations:
Think About You Child First: Duh! I know this sounds silly, but consider that for your child, their primary concern is likely the tension they feel between their parents when there is a disagreement. Also - you know this - your child will tell you what you want to hear. Step back from your emotions and ask, “Is this good for my child, even if I don’t like it? Will they have fun even if they are saying something different to me? Will it ease stress for them for the parents to agree? Is it really that bad, or do I simply not prefer it?” The court will want your child to have fun experiences with their families and friends and will often grant requests for time that they might not be able to grant during the school year. Their job is to consider the best interest of your child. Summer is the time for the court to be flexible with parents who want more time in a more one-off type of situation.
Be Generous: Everyone is going to have a time where they need a favor. Be it you or your co-parent, there will be a time when you need flexibility or a favor - a special family event, a big vacation, an unfortunate circumstance. When you can, extend the favor to your co-parent. I often hear, “Well, I will not do this because they didn’t do that.” Focusing on the breakdown of your co-parenting relationship and your communications history is normal, but each new action you take sets up a new pattern going forward. The parents I see who extend the olive branch are often the parents whose children really value that parent’s capacity to handle conflict, forgive, and communicate. I certainly remember my mother’s generosity and flexibility to my father and appreciated that as a child of divorce.
Mediate and Brainstorm: I often see parents put their desire to be right and in control over an ability to think creatively to find solutions. If your family can’t come to an agreement, a Judge with very limited time, hearing very few facts, will make a decision that you very well may not like. Judges have a really limited lane from which they can rule and often don’t have the time or statutory ability to be creative. But you and your co-parent can be creative and flexible. So think outside these bounds of who is right and who will have control to more creative solutions. A mediator is an excellent option for a neutral third party to help think of creative solutions. That is one reason I love mediating for parties. You want that school, but your co-parent doesn’t want the commute; what about offering to help with transportation? Your school has music, but that other school has STEM; what types of enrichment or extra-curriculars might help make up that balance? A judge can’t order those types of solutions, but it might be just the thing to give both parents reassurance that their priorities for their child are being met.
Be Open to Holistic Schedule Changes: While no one wants less time with their child, your child also yearns to have time with both parents. Summer is a short window where your child has a unique opportunity for time with both parents that isn’t possible during the busy school year. While it isn’t fun to have less time, it can also relieve stress to consider bigger changes to the schedule over the summer. Week on/week off scheduling means fewer transitions. It also gives you the ability to control what your child does for the weeks with you - seeing friends, a week with grandparents, your preferred summer camps, and more potential vacation time! My nephews love their Mimi week at Deep Creek Lake. The court often orders at least two weeks of summer vacation for each parent. If summer break tends to be eight to ten weeks, you are talking about four to five additional weeks of the week on/week off scheduling after those vacation weeks. Generally, if you have a back and forth schedule, a switch to week on/week off doesn’t tend to change the number of days you have your child in total by much but can give your child a change of pace and make summer feel a bit more like vacation time for them and you.
Include the Time, Cost, and Stress of Litigation in Your Pros and Cons List: When you make decisions regarding schools, scheduling, etc., think about the pros and cons of each action. Don’t forget the extreme stress on you, and your child, the high cost of litigation, the detriment to your co-parenting relationship, and other costs of not reaching an agreement. They are real and lasting. Also, consider that your whole summer will likely be eaten up by stressful litigation.
Photo Credit: Derek Owens
And as always, if you need some information and advice on your family law situation, feel free to reach out to the Family First Law Group for a consult. We can often help answer questions and discuss options that help you make better decisions for yourself and your family.
