A Stylist's Aha Moment

I've gone back and forth regarding how I intend to define 2020. There are days I want to put this year behind me and get to the next place. I've learned, however, that when you try to shortcut the uncomfortable areas in your life, you will more than likely repeat the lessons you are supposed to learn. This brings me to my "aha" moment.I love following other stylists on Instagram. Their point of view is valuable to my knowledge of styling. Rosana Vollmerhausen of DC Style Factory is one of my favorite stylists to follow. It's not just her take on styling, but Rosana shares a lot of her family experiences. I feel like I know her kids and even her husband through the peek she offers into their lives. Rosana also has family in Thailand who she usually visits during the summer months. I always look forward to the videos and what she brings to viewers while she's in Thailand. Seeing places through someone else's point of view who is so familiar with the area is incredibly interesting.In January of this year, Rosana posted about the Cheongsam dresses in Thailand. I remember in the photo, there was a storefront where all the vibrant silk dresses were displayed. I love the style of these dresses for their exquisite and masterful execution. If you were to ask me what draws me to this style of the Cheongsam, it's likely that my mother had one, and I loved the photo of her wearing it. I was very young when I saw the picture, and she ultimately gave hers away. Like all little girls, I wanted to look as beautiful as my mom. So, there was a small seed of sentimentality woven into the idea of wearing a stunning Cheongsam.   

 Details of Cheongsam dresses - Photo Credit: Nicolas Petit

"In The Mood for Love” with Maggie Cheung who wears the Cheongsam styles throughout the film. She is absolutely stunning btw!!

 In 1999, Mark and I traveled through Hong Kong for our honeymoon and I took the opportunity to have a Cheongsam made. I have worn it on a few occasions. Full disclosure, I did wear it to a party I hosted on Halloween. Reflecting now, that was not my finest style moment. So, when Rosana was sharing some of the history of the Cheongsam, I decided to ask her if it is offensive to Asian women when Western women wear the Cheongsam. 

 Celebrities wearing Cheongsam

 Rachel Green from "Friends" in a Cheongsam

My custom Cheongsam dress from 1999

 In true Rosana fashion, I received enthusiasm for the pure fact that I asked. Here is Rosana's response…

Alicia - I love that you asked that! Cultural appropriation is such a fine line and I think the more convo about it, the better. I can only speak from my perspective. I think the key here is that it isn't treated as a novelty, which I think it usually is when you are not a part of that culture. For example, if you wear a sari, it should be to an Indian wedding, event, etc. where it is customary to wear it. You are showing respect for that culture. But not necessarily just in normal American life where it can be construed as "tone-deaf." I had a Caucasian American client that wore an Ankara skirt and she recently got rid of it because she felt it crossed the line. To be frank, I get rid of these items or pack them away when I find them in my Caucasian clients' closets because I think there are so many wonderful things to wear - why risk that it could feel like it crossed the line? One final thought I forgot to add that may help —it's that whole idea of being able to "put on a culture" and then take it off when it's not convenient or pretty that is problematic. My Black friends always tell me that what bugs them about Black culture being appropriated is that if you are not Black - you can take it off. You get the cool, edgy, artistic aspects of Black culture in music, fashion, etc. without having to live and know the brutal, painful aspects of it as well. I know you didn't expect an answer that long but it's a big question!

While I appreciated Rosana's response, I wasn't wholly convinced. My love of fashion has a lot to do with experimenting with different shapes, textures, and dress styles. My entire life has been rooted in my love for all different styles of clothing and how it makes us feel. I realize this should not have been such a difficult decision to make, but somewhere in my history I needed to know that this wouldn't be taken away from me.This was my response to Rosana…

It's a great conversation - as a woman who appreciates fashion, I never want to be limited. If I were told I wasn't allowed to wear clothing for certain reasons, I would feel limited in my creative nature. I've never considered that it was taking someone's culture away from them but appreciating the design. For me, this is a form of freedom of speech and what makes the U.S. an amazing place to live. If we start even socially to take these "freedoms" away, we are altering the fabric of the country - clothing analogy 🤦‍♀️. If we are a melting pot, it may come with respectful compromises. Especially as there are more blended families and adoptive parents - we will no longer be able to assume a Caucasian woman does not have a familial tie to a Cheongsam and then the lines get gray. The crazy part is, we cannot see how people feel about issues but can make all sorts of assumptions based on their choice of clothing. I am always interested in perspectives and listen respectfully to the tone of society. Your explanation was very helpful and helped me reassess when and why I would want to wear that dress again. I don't desire to be provocative nor disrespect a culture - your opinion matters to me.

Fast forward to the weeks after George Floyd's death. Perhaps like many of you, I started digging in and doing the work. I went to George Mason Elementary School here in Alexandria. I was in second grade when Alexandria bused children from Jefferson-Houston to George Mason. I remember the day as if it was yesterday. It's only now that I can describe their young faces as filled with uncertainty. Their routine and their comfort level had been disrupted, and I'm sure they wanted to know why. 

Left: Class photos from George Mason Elementary 1973-1978. Right: George Mason Elementary today

Last summer catching up with Michael after 40 years! Follow my Instagram stories today for more about his incredible sense of style and eye for fashion! 

 Another recent discovery and one I hadn't considered until this year - I will always write from a white woman's point of view. I can't escape that. It feels a little tricky in light of all the sensitive issues we are navigating as a society. I get tripped up by the sounds of "privilege" - a word that is becoming very charged these days as well. Last year I stumbled across my classmate from George Mason, Michael Joyner, on Instagram. Michael was one of the children who was bused from Jefferson-Houston. He had a big personality at George Mason, and I had always wondered where life took him. Our paths crossed over a style post featuring a pair of silk pants with a fish print! It turns out our paths both went in creative directions. I met him for coffee last summer and caught up with everything that has happened over the last 30 years! So, in early June, I reached out to him to see how he was doing in the wake of George Floyd's death. Michael reminded me that we all have a responsibility to humanity not to be silent and although I'm not Black, my feelings are, among other things, "required" if we are going to make progress.

"My biggest concern is that humanity speaks and acknowledges the disparities. Nobody has all the answers, and nobody is without blemish. As a society we've missed it, and we can all do better for the greater good."

These last five months have offered me an opportunity to understand some important things. Rosana was incredibly gracious and patient with my initial response regarding the Cheongsam. I realize that I was looking for an answer that would make it acceptable for me to wear that beautiful dress. The answer I received made it inconvenient in how I needed fashion to work for me. It was in the wake of George Floyd losing his life that I fully realized how convenient everything has been for me in my life. This isn't to say I haven't had difficult experiences. But those difficulties had nothing to do with the color of my skin.I called Rosana to explain to her that I had come to my aha moment. I called her because so much of our society's communication has been truncated to texts and this felt like it deserved more recognition. I wanted her to know that she made a difference with me. I also explained to her that it is because I value style as freedom of expression that it made me so resistant to changing my perspective. I can see how our passions for the things we value can get in the way of change. This doesn't leave me feeling hopeless, however.The human race is designed to evolve. Each individual can have an impact if we keep engaging with our curiosity and remain open to new points of view. The stumbling points will be something different for each of us, but seeking out the knowledge and understanding of how behaviors impact each other can be a simple beginning.