My Beloved Gurus: Depression & Anxiety

I was a happy kid. I made friends easily. I was athletic. I liked school. Then I went to college at the University of Michigan. I still made friends easily. I was still athletic and excelled in school. But, I wasn't happy. I didn't know I wasn't happy, but the people around me could tell. I slept a lot. I had mood swings. My libido fluctuated. I had bad PMS. I cried or got angry over small stuff. I began to hole up more and more at home. I felt lost and confused about my life. I had a constant feeling that something was wrong, like I was stuck in a bubble, and couldn't connect to others or to my own joy. Some of this was normal twenty year old stuff. Most of it wasn't.I have only shared what's coming next with close friends. It's a big deal for me to write about this publicly and honestly it makes me feel anxious, but also incredibly brave. After college, I went to law school at William & Mary, and everything went from bad to worse. All my symptoms heightened until I couldn't function. Anxiety and depression took over my life. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't concentrate on anything, my appetite diminished, and I couldn't sleep. This happened at the end of my first year of law school. That's when, for the first time, I went on medication. I used Paxil, which is an SSRI similar to Prozac, for treating depression and anxiety. It helped tremendously. Within weeks I was feeling better and was able to return to law school. I graduated two years later.Taking medication was an important step in my healing process, but just as important was my growing awareness that I had a medical condition that I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. While it was hard to accept, it was also a relief to understand what was going on and how to treat it. Treatment would require not only medication, but stress management. So, it was also at this time that I went for my first massage. Imagine me smiling ear to ear right now.Serendipitously, there was a massage therapy school blocks away from William & Mary law school. As part of their education, students would offer massages at major discounts to practice their techniques. My finances were tight, but I went for one of these massages each month as part of my self-care plan. During the massages I would talk to the students about what they were learning and it fascinated me. I was totally hooked and I wanted to know more.My first law job was in Richmond. Guess what else was there? A second location of the same massage therapy school, and they were offering a night program for massage therapy certifications. I enrolled immediately and started the two-year process of earning my massage therapy certification through the Virginia Board of Nursing. There's a story behind how I transitioned from law to massage therapy, as well as into yoga and doula work, but that's for another day. The point is, thanks to exploring massage as part of my treatment for depression and anxiety, I was on my way to building a profession in the healing arts!Over the following 25 years, I would live through times of great stability and accomplishment and times of immense struggle and despair. There were times when I would try to get off medication, change medications, and experiment with dosages. SSRI drugs have unappealing side effects. They can work for a while, and sometimes stop working. It hasn't been a free ride and I still need medication to feel well.I know now that my experience is not uncommon. That's one of the reasons I am writing this post. I know it will reach many of you and you'll identify with my experience. My story might help you feel more understood and not so alone. Maybe my story will give you hope.

What I am going to say next, though, might surprise you.

After 25 living with depression and anxiety, I am deeply grateful for them. I have made friends with them. Right next to these two "friends" live my other two friends, humor and joy. I know now that I am not my depression and anxiety. They are just two experiences of life in a whole range of experiences. I have grown and evolved enough in my consciousness that I can hold space for these two to be present without taking over. I doubt that without these two "friends" that I would have made the effort to delve into the healing arts that I have taken. Depression and anxiety were my motivators, my beloved gurus. They led me to my life's calling.

What other gifts depression and anxiety have given me?

1. Compassion.2. An understanding that I am so much stronger than I ever knew.3. Self love that requires courage and an ability to rise above shame. It doesn't require perfection.4. An ability to hold a non-judgmental space for people going through their own dark night of the soul.5. Absolute confidence and faith in the process of transformation, which often requires falling apart and feeling utterly lost before finding true purpose in life.6. Gratitude for every life experience.7. An deep understanding of the nature of life and its impermanence.8. A profession I love!Here is the single most important life lesson that depression and anxiety have given me: if I am struggling there is nothing wrong with me. Let me say it again: there is nothing wrong with me.I know that sounds strange and it requires a broader understanding of why we are here on earth. Life isn't easy. It's not perfect; it's not meant to be. Struggle is part of the journey, it's how we grow, and it's necessary. Perhaps I was meant to have depression and anxiety in order to accomplish what I need to here on this planet. I don't really know. I didn't come up with the design. Wink! We'll all experience illness, loss, and disillusionment.I am not a practicing Buddhist, but I appreciate this quote from Gautama Buddha: "Life's greatest teachers are old age, illness, and death." For me, shifting my perspective to align with this wise sentiment has helped me to cultivate peace in my heart and to be able to laugh and feel joy, despite it all.

Stay tuned for my next post to find out how yoga has been an important part of my self-care routine for addressing depression and anxiety.