Co-existing With People At Work Who Are Not Your Cup Of Tea…
Dear Dr. Lauren: I am in a management position and there is an individual on my team that I’m really not fond of personally. I try really hard to not let my personal feelings about them cloud my assessment of their work. Sometimes I find that I overcompensate by letting things slide that I probably wouldn’t with other employees, just because I’m trying so hard not to let my personal feelings affect how I interact with them professionally. How do I do a better job of objectively looking at their behavior and work and deciding what is having an impact on the team and what is just my own personal dislike of their work style and personality? - Rachel*
Dear Rachel,
Well, one thing I can tell you for sure is that you are definitely not alone! While we typically have the luxury to choose who we spend time with in our adult years, most of us find ourselves in one or more systems (work, family, community organizations) with some characters whom we would never cast in our personal play of life. Disliking or not “vibing” with someone is bound to happen from time to time. Most of the time, we can honor the differences and have a respectful working relationship. However, it is worth investigating your feelings if your dislike for this person occupies too much headspace or interferes with your normal operations, as you so suggest in your letter. I applaud your self-reflection and desire to grow as a leader. In life, our personal growth depends on moving from a state of reacting to a state of responding, and the art of doing this comes from insight and perspective. So, let’s dig in!
What emotion does this person evoke in you?
We often think the answer is simple, such as “I simply don’t like their political views. This person is annoying with their storytelling. They often cut others off or are rude.” While these are all perfectly fine reasons for not liking someone, I would still go through the process of noticing what comes up for you when you are thinking about this person and your interactions, specifically what emotions, thoughts, images, and bodily sensations arise. For example, you may write observations, such as “tightness in chest, desire to run, fear, dread, feeling unsafe to say something, numbness, worried about being disliked, avoidance.” Make space for noticing what comes up for you in your interaction simply by just being with the feelings versus trying to figure out the feelings. Believe it or not, your mind will often give you spontaneous answers when the thinking brain steps aside.
Perhaps you notice that this person reminds you of someone from the past, or that these are familiar feelings to you, or that you dislike this person because they remind you of a part of you that you do not like and actively work to not display. Or perhaps, it’s less about the other person and more about your fear of not performing objectively as a manager. Being able to identify and witness those feelings is likely to give you a better understanding about your reaction and the consequent room to pause and respond in a different or more adaptive way. More or less, you are teasing out “your stuff” from “their stuff” and, in the process, you may even resolve pain from the past by bearing witness to it.
No, I am pretty sure that I just don’t like them as a person. What now?
After completing the self-discovery exercise, the conclusion may be that you generally just do not like this person’s personality style, values, and/or life attitudes. Allow yourself to honor all of your emotions, and know that it is easier for us to gravitate toward some individuals more than others, especially people with similar circumstances, ways of thinking, or shared life experiences. Grant yourself permission to not have to like this person and be cognizant of any potential beliefs that may limit you from feeling your true emotions toward this person (i.e. I’m supposed to like everyone). Honor your emotions, but don’t let them dictate your behavior. Do this by acknowledging your emotions and then allowing them to pass, before stepping into your “manager part,” or the part that operates according to a set of values and principles, regardless of who you manage.
How can I be sure that I am operating objectively?
One quick way to double check your objectivity would be to transpose the situation onto an employee whom you feel more favorably about and ask yourself, “Would I be approaching this situation the same way if it were X?” Another old standby method would be to run this situation past another person with management experience. This can help put things in perspective if you find yourself feeling very stuck or unsure if your response is overcompensatory versus appropriate (i.e. making accommodations for this individual because they actually need it due to some emotional, physical, or cognitive limitations).
Without knowing exactly what this person brings up for you, I would just generally hold space that you have a whole cast of characters on your team and honor that some are going to be easier to deal with than others, and that is okay. Finding ways to connect on some level can help build compassion and understanding for that individual. All in all, your self-awareness is an asset and your self-reflection demonstrates your commitment to growth as a manager and leader.
Interested in submitting a question to Dr. Lauren? Submit anonymously here.
*Names used in this article are fictitious.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog or video, including any references, links, or other knowledge resources are for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or clinical advice, diagnosis, or medical intervention.
