Is It Time To Separate? 5 Signs It Might Be
The pit in your stomach is telling you daily something isn’t right. It’s not even that you’re unhappy; it’s that you don’t know how you can continue day to day with things as they are. And in the back of your mind, you keep wondering if you should separate from your spouse.
Ugh, this is a terrible place to be, and I am so sorry you are there. I wish I had a definitive answer for you, but I do not. However, I do have some guidance. To start, it’s possible that you and your spouse are already separated by Virginia’s definition. According to the state, a couple living under the same roof is separated if they: maintain separate bedrooms; are not having sexual relations; and intend to remain permanently separated and that intent was expressed.
If you aren’t currently separated, here are the top reasons you might want to consider it:
Your partner is absent – Are you living separate lives inside your own home? Have you tried to express your needs, only to be met with not resistance but just apathy? Are both of you just going through the motions without emotion? When your partner is no longer your partner, or your best friend, it is nearly impossible to retain a relationship.
You are just staying together for the kids – If this is the only nexus keeping you and your spouse together, major bumps are likely headed your way. The amount of acrimony in the home might mean your kids are worse off seeing a dysfunctional, unhappy relationship, rather than two separate, functional relationships.
Finances are the sole obstacle – If you are staying solely because of the financial burden of being single, or a single parent, deeply consider – and maybe talk with a financial planner about – how you might be able to cope with a separation.
Physical intimacy is gone – What we’re talking about here is a sustained period with a lack of interest in intimacy and a lack of communication or action to restore it? Is the marriage damaged to the point that one party doesn’t even want physical intimacy anymore?
The trust has been broken – Can you no longer trust your spouse to maintain the basic foundations of a marriage? Infidelity, addictions, anger, violence, mental illness and other issues can destroy trust in a marriage. When trust is broken, even small issues can become hot buttons.
If the above speaks to you, I would suggest that you evaluate your options with trusted professionals. First, talk with a therapist. Is there a therapeutic solution to your marital problems? Would you and your spouse benefit from individual or couples therapy, or both – or one after the other? If you think therapy is an option, speak up. If your spouse turns it down, then you have that answer.
Secondly, talk with a family law attorney about what separation looks like, how to move forward legally, and what the typical next steps are once a separation occurs. You also will need to explore housing, identify other costs and make a budget.
Rash decisions lead to regret; information and planning are always crucial to good decision-making.
