Finding Love This Spring: Dating With Intention

Spring is here. The days are longer, the weather is warmer, and people are socializing again with relative ease. When the weather warms up, and the flowers bloom, they say that love is in the air. Why is that? It’s all about the dopamine! Studies repeatedly show that people date more in the spring and summer months because they are experiencing increased dopamine in their brain, which is a naturally occurring chemical that drives you to want things. This neurotransmitter is driven by novel things, and in the spring, there are a lot of stimuli such as new smells, colors, and even seeing more of people’s skin as they wear fewer clothes. With all of this excess dopamine, the spring season sets the stage for the desire to date and fall in love.

Regardless of how energized and optimistic you feel, dating without a plan can lead to repeated patterns of relationship disappointments and frustrations.

However, for those who are looking for a significant other, you can maximize this dopamine wave and optimize your matchmaking if you keep these strategies in mind:

1. Write your “ideal partner” list. Yes, physical attraction is important, but I am talking about the list of personal qualities that you wish for your partner to possess. Who is the person that you would be proud to introduce to your family and best friends? How do you want to feel while in a relationship with this person? How do you want your partner to handle conflict or difficult discussions? How do you want a partner to show up when the hardships of life come across your path?

2. Create a genuine online profile of who you are. I often hear people say that they are writing profiles based on what they think will attract people or, conversely, minimize values or desires for fear of being rejected. An authentic profile will increase the chances of attracting the right mate while minimizing the time spent. It is good to remind your ego that it does not matter if you have fifty inquiries or five, the only thing that matters, in the end, is the one that works out.

3. Keep an air of lightness and openness when dating. Be mindful of the beliefs and expectations that you attach to the dating process. The initial date(s) is simply an evaluation of physical, emotional, and spiritual compatibility. A decision by either of you not to move forward simply means that it was not a match. It is not indicative of your worth, desirability, nor by any means, an indicator of future outcomes.

4. Be intentional during the dating process. In the initial dating phase, you will assess your relationship against your ideal partner list to see if this match is trending in the right direction. Figure out which items on your list are deal-breakers and which ones you are willing to compromise. After each date, ask yourself, “Do I want to continue to invest in getting to know this person? If yes, why?” Keep yourself accountable to make sure that your decisions are coming from your wiser mind (i.e., He was polite, respectful, interesting to talk to) versus a lonely part (i.e., He was nice enough, and I guess I will just see what happens because I am bored). Intentional dating will help you stay focused on what is important to you, as well as alert you quicker to when you should exit the relationship and help gain quicker clarity about staying or exiting. At the end of the day, it is just a matching process and not a reflection of your worth or desirability.

5. Remember these wise words… “It shouldn’t be that hard!” Individuals who share similar goals, are attracted to each other, and possess a secure attachment style, will find themselves coupling with relative ease. However, if you are experiencing significant anxiety, high conflict, uncertainty about your future, or constantly complaining that you wish your significant other was “better” at something, it is time to take a pause and evaluate the situation. In particular, you need to decide what is your “stuff” versus his or her “stuff.” If you have anxieties that are being projected onto the situation, go do your own work, so you do not lose out on a good mate. Others are not responsible for healing you, but being with a healthy partner can facilitate the healing of old wounds as time goes. Conversely, if you are relatively healthy and secure, make your decisions about dating people for who they are at this point in time and not who you think they could be in the future (with the caveat that people are capable of change, but they need to want that change and also be actively working on it).

Overall, the dating process can be exciting, heartbreaking, and frustrating all at the same time. My advice is to embrace the roller coaster ride of emotions that will come from the process of finding your mate, knowing that the path smooths out when you are riding with the right mate.