Friends: Should I Keep Them Or Cut Them Loose?
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Dear Dr. Lauren: Due to my job, I move frequently. With each new city comes a set of new friends and "framily" "who I become extremely close with. I pride myself on the fact that I put a lot of effort into my relationships (both near and far). Often I find that when I move cities and continue on with those friendships, effort is not matched, but I don't necessarily expect it. My partner has recently expressed concern that I put too much effort into non-reciprocal relationships. What are the signs of a healthy and/or unhealthy friendship? Should I expect some level of effort to be matched? - Julie*
Dear Julie,
Great questions! First of all, it sounds like you have a natural ability to adapt to new surroundings and to easily establish friendships with others. It is a true gift to make meaningful connections during different chapters of your life, and even more wonderful if they become long-term friends. In regards to reciprocity, It sounds like your partner is either bringing attention to something you are not aware of or is projecting unnecessary worry and concern about your friendships. Let's dig in and find out which one it is!
What are signs of a healthy friend? The quick answers are someone who:
You enjoy being around
Is trustworthy
Is loyal
Is kind and respectful to you
Shows up for you when you need them
Is accepting of who you are
Is a good listener
Is supportive
Is someone who makes your friendship a priority
In a good friendship, you will feel emotionally safe and able to be your genuine self. Truly good friends enhance our lives by bringing joy, connection, and positive attachment (which is proven to be critical for our health and well-being).
What are signs of an unhealthy friend? Including, but not limited to, someone who:
Is disrespectful of your boundaries
Is competitive or jealous
Is judgmental or bullying
Is inconsistent
Is emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive
Makes you feel unsafe
Makes you feel unsupported
Doesn't show up for you
Unhealthy relationships can come in the form of overt toxicity or covert manipulation and neglect. You will feel some level of dissatisfaction in these types of relationships.
Should I expect some level of reciprocity or effort to be matched in each of my friendships? Yes! Reciprocity is a mutual exchange of actions, goods, energy, time, and emotion between two people. When someone reciprocates our efforts, we often feel validated, valued, respected, and energized. There's a rhythm or a flow of a back-and-forth exchange. When things flow, we often feel good, and we do not question the relationship.
Does the level of effort need to be equally matched?
The short answer is no. A good friendship has a reasonable level of reciprocity or that both individuals feel they are valued in the relationship. The way in which we show up in relationships may look different - i.e., you may be great at remembering and acknowledging every anniversary, birthday, or special event in your friend's life. Your friend may be less skilled with remembering those milestones but is someone who will always pick up your call and listen to you. They are different actions, but both people feel important and valued. I find that people fall into trouble when they have overly high and specific expectations for friends, which often leads to a "tit for tat" comparison. In my opinion, it is better to take a global view when analyzing your friendships.
However, if there is an imbalance in the relationship, you are probably finding yourself feeling hurt, disappointed, or not seen. If this is occurring in a long-term friendship, then I would assess what is happening. Frequently, there are times when one person is more of a "giver" than a "receiver," which is likely to occur when someone is going through a life phase transition, personal issue, etc. If your friendship has a good foundation, you should ask yourself if you are okay with the imbalance for a while, trusting that things are likely to flow back to normal. However, if you are building a new friendship and efforts are unevenly distributed, and there is a significant imbalance, it may be best to cut them loose and make room for someone else who could add value to your life. If you are unsure, there is always the beautiful option of direct communication and honesty about your needs. In a healthy relationship, your friend will be glad that you provided them the opportunity to explain or to better the relationship.
Thank you, Julie, for bringing this important question to light!
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*Names used in this article are fictitious.
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