Is Divorce The New Normal?
If I say pandemic divorce, I am sure you have at least one person you can think of quickly. Maybe two, maybe three, maybe it’s even you. Divorce rates in the country likely hover around 65 percent - an incredible rise since pre-pandemic numbers of about 50 percent. Some factors certainly associated with the Covid-19 pandemic have fueled divorce numbers. There has been about a 34 percent rise in reported domestic violence nationwide. There has also been an uptick in the reported child abuse cases in Virginia. Key stressors for marriages always have been:
Financial Upheaval. Wow, did Covid hit this one hard? Between making childcare through the roof expensive, many people being laid off, a lot of people deciding to retire, and people changing jobs at rapid rates. All these are major marriage stressors and cause financial upheaval and stress.
Differing Parental Views. Having to care for children 24/7 and be the parents, teachers, and playmates to our children really put a spotlight on differing parental styles, roles, and expectations, and not in a good way. I know so many people who felt the burden of the second shift - working all day, then bearing the burden of the work associated with home life. Gender roles and expectations inside the home already have been tested, but the lockdowns and virtual schooling made this a time where what spouses did in the home versus outside and how was something almost every household had to discuss and manage. Then the debate about how and when to emerge from lockdown, what type of outside contact to have, when, and how, it all was cause for major arguments in a lot of households.
Having Children. There was definitely a pandemic baby boom, and while children are an amazing blessing, let’s all be honest, the process of having a child and raising them is not stress-free. And we all are not our best selves without sleep, right?
Mental Health and Addiction Issues. Rates of alcohol consumption related to the pandemic skyrocketed, and so have other mental health issues that stress marriages. Additionally, people have put off health care needs and screenings. So many people are doing the right things and seeking treatment and therapy. Still, those options are often expensive, and finding availability has been a large challenge for a lot of people.
Family Death. The death of loved ones has a high correlation with divorce, more significant than you would think. So many of us lost loved ones to the pandemic or other related causes, such as festering health issues that weren’t addressed. The grieving process for those loved ones was not the same as in normal times and likely will take longer.
Lack of Sex. Let’s just put this out there; healthy relationships include a healthy sex life. And spending years cooped up together with your partner either really helped that, and you maybe fell into the baby boom, OR things went the other way, and sex lives really dried up. You became tired of dealing with your partner as pretty much your main outlet for social interaction during lockdowns. Stress contributes to a decline in people’s sex lives. That is no secret. The pandemic was a daily source of stress and trauma for so many; it’s no wonder marriage intimacy took a big hit.
So will there be a post-pandemic decline in divorce?
Well… we practitioners haven’t seen it yet; we are still in the bubble. In fact, it might be increasing a bit as we emerge from the pandemic and can process past just getting through it. Caseloads are just crazy in the courts and family law attorney’s offices right now. Looking at the above factors, even without Covid, we have a large aging population. It will take years for people to recover from the mental health issues that the pandemic exacerbated, and the financial uncertainty looks like it will also take a number of years to pan out. So don’t expect high divorce rates to come down any time soon. It will be a slow process. AND to make matters worse, a prior divorce and divorced parents are risk factors for divorce, so it’s a giant catch-22.
So what positive advice can I offer you? It isn’t to shut out love or children. It is to just know that as a country, we are going through major upheaval - more than the jobs market numbers, the stock market, and gas prices. People are fundamentally shifting their views and priorities based on the pandemic, including what relationships mean to them, how they are done and what they need from a partner. So, if you are about to get married or are newly separated or divorced - take things slow and discuss finances, children, child-rearing, sex, and relationship roles while you contemplate marriage. All the tough topics you want to avoid, don’t. Do the hard work now. Watch for red flags in yourself and others, and protect your mental health. If you are married - hang in there, and work on communication. This is something you never will regret, even if you don’t think it is a significant need right now.
