Taboo Topic: The “Situationship” vs. Dating
The economic rise of women has coincided with declining marriage rates, and while correlation doesn't equal causation, I think it’s safe to say that women of the present age are less interested in relationships of the past and are demanding more honesty and transparency. I can’t blame them after living through the traumas of divorce as children, and often their own divorces, feeling stuck with the burden of the second shift, and facing a world where they will not be as economically successful as their parents’ generation. At the same time, I talk to so many women who are very frustrated with the current dating world and want more. And a lot of the talk revolves around…the situationship.
What is it really? A romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established. Well that doesn’t really say much at all, does it? It’s more than friends with benefits and less than a committed relationship to one individual. It’s dating, but where a specific person fills a specific need and you don’t have an intent to form a committed relationship. (If you want a committed relationship with someone, you should say that, be upfront, a situationship is not meant to be a compromise on needs.)
Pros: for those who want emotional connection and intimacy with a partner in a compartmentalized way for specific periods or traits. This type of relationship allows them to have an emotional presence and connection with a person, but when apart, they can have their freedom.
There is high transparency in the relationship and people are often able to be honest about exactly what they are looking for without feeling the pressure to lie about their intentions or relationship goals.
Especially in areas where professionals have little work life balance, such as the DC area, it makes sense that there is a prevalence in this type of relationship. There is often little time and at unpredictable intervals based on work in high paced/high stress environments. We also have a large population of very transient employment: military, foreign service, government service.
In this type of relationship you also avoid the high emotional toll of a failed committed relationship and the cost of a failed marriage. But I would say a prenup is a better way to manage this. Many women upon gaining independence are very disinclined to give that independence up, and men these days are having a hard time finding a balance after Covid and Me Too (movement) in figuring out what the modern woman wants, and how they fall into these relationship models.
With so many people newly divorced, I think they need a little time and space to feel out what they are looking for in a way that is very healthy. They’re not just diving back in to repeat something that didn’t work before, or to have a rebound relationship.
Cons: Partners often have different expectations of the relationship, where it is going and what it means to them. As relationships change, there is a higher likelihood that partners don’t change together and there are divisive needs for each. People crave consistency, control and stability. A situationship often lacks core tenants of consistency of relationships in that people often don’t know when they will see each other or when communications will be reciprocated. I have also found that one of the hardest but most crucial parts of a relationship–communication–is often lacking on what exactly the relationship is going to be and provide.
Relationship status can also contribute to your identity and play a role in social dynamics. Not knowing your relationship status often means you are unsure where you fit in with other traditional couples and friends.
For me, the biggest con is economics. Cohabitation in some form or another is advantageous to couples. Cohabitation used to be more advantageous economically for women than men, but that statistic is fairly old. These days it is highly advantageous to both sexes given how expensive basic necessities are such as housing and food costs.
For someone who wants to have a non-marital, serious relationship, if you are going to purchase real estate or hold property with a partner, get a contractual agreement regarding these things! Yes, a pre-prenup does exist, it’s just a basic contract.
What a contract can spell out:
Who gets first rights of a buyout and timing
How a fair market value is assessed
How equity is divided
How expenses will be paid
If there are rental provisions
I also just personally feel like I am hearing from a lot of people that they are craving intimate and deeply connective relationships, and are in a situationship by default and not preference. They are at a point where the relationship is not what they want, but they struggle to state their need and then walk away if the need isn’t met. So what I would say to anyone dating: don’t default to a situationship as a measure of avoidance.
So, why not just date? Real dating, the kind that either leads to a breakup or a real relationship, with the same openness and clarity? It doesn’t mean it has to be exclusive, that is a whole other topic. I struggle to find many situations where the situationship is preferable to dating.
But no matter what type of relationship you are in, if your property or finances are going to get a bit tangled up, there are legal solutions for that, and as always, a bit of work at the beginning can save you from a lot in the end! If you have questions, you know who to call.
SEE ALSO: The Say “Yes” Ethos
