Dear Dr. Lauren: Can you give me some tips on how to deal with my in-laws during the holidays? My husband and I have been together for a long time and have always had issues with boundaries in regards to our parents. Opinions are strong and voiced often (on both sides) and many holidays have been ruined. Grandkids are now involved and that makes the situation harder. How can we make this a somewhat enjoyable experience for all?  - Amy

Dear Amy,

The holidays often include increased time with immediate and extended family members. While many cherish this time with the people they love, others dread the impending family time because of the “characters” in their family. It sounds like this has been your experience with your in-laws. There are several steps that can be taken to avoid a ruined holiday, especially in regards to boundary setting. Here are some practical suggestions for boundary setting that help minimize conflict and emotional distress during family interactions:

1.  Set realistic expectations. Remind yourself of how your family actually interacts with each other, rather than how you hope they will interact.

2. Get clear. Get honest with yourself beforehand on the topics that you are okay with talking about and the ones you would rather not engage with. 

3. Meet your own needs. Give yourself the time and space you may need to step away – such as taking a break, getting some fresh air during family events, or staying at a hotel instead of the house.

4. Consider how you may be able to respond instead of react to triggering comments, facial expressions, or tones. Some response examples include, “Thank you for your opinion, I will take that into consideration.” or “I have some other exciting things I would love to talk to you about, do you think we can talk about that instead of X right now?”

5. Resource yourself before, during, and after family interaction. What are some things you can do to calm your nervous system before going to your family event? What practices help you feel “grounded” during stressful family interactions (breathing, petting an animal, hanging with an ally in the group)? What activities may help you de-stress after the gathering?

While the mitigation strategies will be absolutely helpful, I say the most important thing you can do is to set an intention to have an enjoyable holiday experience with your family. The attitude and energy you bring to the situation will influence the outcome of the overall experience. Knowing the cast of characters also provides you with the opportunity to plan for ways to set the situation up for success (setting schedules, planning activities, engaging in conversation that promotes positive interactions). Lastly, try to bring some attention to what you appreciate about the “difficult” individuals in your family and to find some moments for gratitude.

Happy holidays to you and your family.

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*Names used in this article are fictitious.

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