Like many Americans, I gained around twenty pounds during the pandemic from April 2020 to April 2022. According to studies like the one done by the American Psychological Association, 42% of adult Americans gained weight during the pandemic, with the average amount of weight gain being 29 pounds. 

Before pandemic times, I controlled what I ate. A lot. I stuck with mostly vegetables, proteins, and healthy fats. I was a "low carb" eater. I didn't eat dairy or wheat. At all. I rarely ate grains. Sometimes rice or quinoa. I was thin. At times, too thin.  

During the pandemic, I stopped watching what I ate so closely. I didn't have the energy for it. I let go of the vigilance. I started having sandwiches for lunch, which I never would have allowed myself before. I ate pasta for dinner. I incorporated dairy and wheat back into my diet. I drank organic milk and ate yogurt and cottage cheese with honey on top. I enjoyed cheese and crackers. I snacked between meals. I indulged in dessert after dinner, like ice cream and pie. I allowed myself to have organic cane sugar in my coffee and half & half. I used maple syrup and agave. I ate when I felt hungry. I ate what I wanted, and as much as I wanted, as long as it was made of healthy, organic ingredients without a long list of additives and preservatives.

I was teaching yoga online, so I was doing my own classes, unlike when I am in person in the studio, where I often walk around and observe students instead of doing all the movements with them during the entire class. But, during the pandemic, I stopped going to the gym. No weight lifting. No cardio.

My weight went up quickly at first, and then once I'd gained twenty pounds, it leveled off and hasn't changed since. Pre-pandemic, I liked it when I could see muscle definition clearly in my arms and legs. Now there is a layer of softness all over me. I didn't like it at first, but throughout the pandemic, my perspective began to shift. The way I moved and felt inside my body changed. I started feeling sexier. Happier. More radiant.  

The happiness I've been feeling has something to do with giving myself permission to let go and not hold on so tight. It has something to do with releasing the hyper-vigilance and rules and instead trusting my body and my cravings, my desires. It has something to do with wanting to control less and allow more. It has a lot to do with pleasure.  

It's also biological. I realize now that in the past when I would deny my body the kinds of foods it craved, I would almost always feel like I wanted to eat more, even after I'd eaten a meal. My nervous system was on high alert for two reasons. First, my brain was doing the work to separate out the foods I had decided I shouldn't eat. Second, my body was not fully satiated and was constantly waiting for the next time it would be fed. Now I eat until I feel satiated, and lately, I can feel my nervous system relaxing into parasympathetic mode more easily and consistently. I'm nicer and way less cranky than I used to be!

I'm in the process of questioning what is truly healthy for me. What I know for sure is that there's no "one size fits all." I don't have all the answers. Maybe one day I will diet again. Maybe one day I will be thin again. Maybe I will gain more weight and feel great. One path might feel good at one point in time and then not feel good at another point in time. I don't know. I don't have to know. I can experiment and transform whenever I want. Whenever it feels right. 

I am forty-eight years old and at a stage in my life when I want to be more laid back. I want to be content and happy. I want pleasure. I want to nourish myself as much as I want. I want to feel good and not worry about what it looks like to anyone else. I want to feel radiant and free. I want to laugh more. Take walks with my dog. Do slow flow yoga. Stretch. Get a full eight hours of sleep every night. 

I want dessert. My cake. And eat it too.

Register to join me at Mind the Mat for any of my weekly classes:

• Wednesday 5pm Deep Stretch

• Thursday 6:45pm Prenatal Yoga

• Friday 11am Mommy & Me Yoga

• Saturday 11am Slow Flow Yoga

• Saturday 12:30pm Prenatal Yoga

Register to join me at Well Ray Festival on June 11 outside at 12noon for Community Flow Yoga!