Taboo Topics: Open Marriages And Life Partners

Let's talk a bit about a rising trend I see nationally—open marriages and life partners in lieu of traditional marriage. I hear about it from my clients, friends, counselors, and therapists. Not just celebrities like Will and Jada Smith are opting for this type of relationship. Being a family law attorney, I am very non-judgmental regarding relationships and what works for people. I find the unique ways people are shaping their lives in modern times refreshing. I love learning more about what works for people. It helps me stay current on people's needs and how to best assist them legally.

A life partner is someone in a serious, committed relationship with someone else, but they're not married. A life partner can be anyone in any type of relationship, whether it's heterosexual or homosexual. They can choose to have children or not.

An open marriage is when spouses choose to have other relationships with persons outside the marriage.

These relationships can mean many things, such as going on casual dates and having friends-with-benefits relationships. It might be an open relationship that means an occasional one-night stand or a brief sexual fling. The arrangement could also look more like swinging—such as having sex with other couples as a couple, but not going on dates separately. For some, it might be more of a "don't ask, don't tell" relationship in which both couple members permit the other to have sexual relations with other people. They just don't want to discuss those experiences. For others still, it might mean having another relationship outside of their primary partner who meets specific needs while their primary partner fulfills others.

In a national survey conducted by data analytics YouGov in 2020, only 56 percent cited complete monogamy as their ideal relationship style. An estimated 23 percent of respondents said their relationships were already non-monogamous, echoing breakthrough 2017 research published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, which found that more than one in five single Americans in their study had tried consensual non-monogamy. The number of people who replied "I don't know" to their preferred relationship style from open to monogamous more than doubled in the 2020 YouGov study, from five percent in 2016 to 12 percent. The pandemic has seen the interest in open relationships increase, and newer studies will show an increasing number of people considering what they want out of their current and future relationships.

I see the rise in open marriages and life partners directly correlating to economic and emotional factors. The overall decrease in marriage rates and increase in divorce rates, the distance between generations of families, the rising economic costs for basic needs, and most importantly housing, are just a few factors. Let's just unpack this a bit.

More and more people of prime working age live solo – about 38 percent. This is a dramatic rise from 24 percent in the 1990s. The divorce rate in the United States fluctuates, and not all states track and provide statistics for their divorce rates. But overall, divorce rates are high, over 50 percent right now, probably at about 60 percent post-pandemic. There are still plenty of people getting married, but it is a downward trend. And those who do have a high chance of divorce. Pair that with people previously divorced, especially women, who marry less frequently after a first divorce than men. 

But the economics for those living solo aren't great. They tend to have worse economic outcomes than their peers who are cohabitating. The have lower educational attainment, lower employment, and lower financial savings. Just stating the obvious – paying for housing and other basic needs is more expensive than cohabitating with someone. The cost of rent post-pandemic is incredibly expensive. Many people want a companion, support, and the economic opportunities of those in a committed relationship, without the considerable cost of marriage and potential divorce, and are increasingly looking to friends and life partners to be those supports.

Photo by Gustavo Fring

There is also the emotional side. Society as a whole is much more open to talking about and discussing relationships of various types and being more modern regarding the role of relationships to emotional needs. There is more discussion and acceptance in our society of fluid roles for sexuality, identity, and gender. Many persons of primary marital age grew up in homes of divorce, and our family supports don't tend to be clustered as close geographically as was typical in the past. For a host of reasons, people are finding life supports outside the typical family structures. 

I see this trend on the rise. I see more and more of these relationships happening. I think this is a positive thing. I believe it is healthy for people to think about their needs and how to have productive relationships and not necessarily feel that they have to conform to pre-set categories and ideals. I think there will be a rise in contractual legal documents, prenuptial agreements, postnuptial agreements, and contracts to govern property for non-married persons to support this type of relationship so that people can figure out personal, economic, and emotional situations that are relevant and tailored to their situation.