Taboo Topics: Successful Women Wanting Out
Ladies, it’s been a rough couple of years in your marriage, hasn’t it? Despite a wedding boom this month, another pattern is also happening. Lately, I have seen a trend in my office - women wanting out of their marriage, especially women who earn more than their husbands. Women have weathered this pandemic and post-pandemic world fraught with some unique challenges - the home burden, not feeling supported, the gender bias in earnings despite productivity. And I think regardless of your politics, the current climate of political fervor and economic challenges have left women feeling as if we are not a priority and, in many ways, are second-class citizens - while employers want us back in the office, no one is making childcare more accessible, more affordable, paid leave is not a national law, and women are hustling to make up lost wages to their male counterparts.
Right now, women are the last group not joining the workplace back from the pandemic in the same numbers as other groups. And they are requesting work-from-home accommodations in much higher numbers than other groups. There should be absolutely no head-scratching there - childcare is still not widely available and is not affordable for most families, especially given the costs of every other necessity. And let’s face reality, women in the United States are still very much responsible for the majority of childcare - whether they are the breadwinners or not. And economically, for the United States, that is a problem that is just being ignored. I hear many women laugh that they would like a 1950’s housewife. They are tired of working plus child rearing plus laundry plus cooking plus…
But the number of successful women in my office are saying something else too. Not only do women feel like they are shouldering the responsibility of home care, but they also don’t feel like they are getting emotional support from their spouse on being the breadwinner. They feel like they are being resented for the position that they are in, and it’s causing complications at home. Especially in the DMV, most women are highly educated and are moving up in roles, which rightfully so - they are showing their talents, intellect, and strength. They are seeking emotional support at home, which I keep hearing is absent or too little, too late.
There is also a dark side to this story in that domestic violence has increased by about 34% in this country. And I am not saying domestic violence doesn’t go both ways, it does, but life at home has become more volatile. More people now have anxiety, depression, alcohol, and drug dependency issues, and time at home feels less like a safe, private place where one can find solace with their partner. Instead, it feels more like a door that one has to take a deep breath and count to ten before they walk through. Many women walking through my door keep saying their partners have had depression and anxiety for months without seeking proper help. They feel unequipped to handle this additional emotional burden.
Couples therapy is great; I highly recommend it. I would urge people to seek it out the first time they get the “Hmmm, this isn’t good” feeling. Start early; good communication is harder once years have gone by and feelings and patterns of behavior have become more embedded. But so many women are just so done they can’t imagine staying. And certainly, if there is abuse, that is not appropriate.
The real kicker is when women want out, they are faced with a dilemma if they are the breadwinner. It is nothing new; men who were the majority earners have been facing this problem for years. GENERALLY (each case is different) in Virginia, unless you have fault grounds of adultery - which you have not condoned, consented to, etc. - against your spouse, they can seek spousal support, and even still if it would be a manifest injustice to not provide it. The court looks at the need of the payor and ability to pay the payee spouse to help a spouse get back on their feet, get an education, and give them time to find employment to support themselves in a manner befitting this area (the standard is supposed to be how the parties lived during the marriage, but let’s face it, that isn’t much of a reality). So women already feeling a lack of emotional support and help at home now need to continue doing those things while also paying their spouse money.
Even if you have fault grounds, your spouse will likely get about 50% of all the marital assets (assets acquired not by gift, inheritance, or passive growth of a property owned before marriage).
And then, even if you do get divorced and move on, how do you find someone more successful than you? Or who is of the rare breed willing to be an emotionally supportive life partner and help shoulder the home burden for women who are the breadwinners? If you read about the local dating scene, you hear all the stories. So, ladies, I get your frustration. Your situation is tough, and it is real. I can tell you I hear you, and you are not alone. I’m here to advise you on what it could look like on the other side if you want a divorce, your rights, the law, and pros and cons, and help you have the knowledge you need to make good choices for you and your family.
