Feuding Bridesmaids
Dear Dr. Lauren: Two of my girlfriends never want to see each other again and are mad at me for not standing up for their side. This would be fine in most circumstances, but they are both in my wedding this fall. During their argument, Friend #1 shut down and refused to listen to Friend #2's side of the story or even let her respond. After the argument, both left my house abruptly, and our communications have dwindled since. I have always been the peacemaker with my family and friends and thought that this would eventually blow over but they both are saying, "no" and want me to choose a side. These are lifelong friends. I cannot imagine my wedding without either one of them. I am hurt and paralyzed with anxiety about how to handle this. Help!
- Peacemaker
Dear Peacemaker,
The first thing that comes to my mind is, “shame on your friends!” This is your special day and everyone in your life should be focused on celebrating you and your day in whatever way you envision it. In other words, two grown adults should be able to pull their own “stuff” together in order to focus on what is important. Nevertheless, you are feeling a ton of anxiety and pressure to solve the problem because your inner peacemaker is activated. So, here are some thoughts on how you can move from paralysis to action and restore inner peace:
Become clear on how you want your wedding day to go. If you want a smooth fun-filled day without drama, make that your prerogative. Having a broader perspective helps you put energy into what will support that vision. And then address or eliminate whatever detracts from that vision.
Give yourself permission to release feeling the need to fix it. The conflict is between the two of your friends and it is their responsibility to resolve it. I understand that the peacemaking part of you may be deep-rooted and may need more addressing in a therapeutic context. However, for the time being, reassure yourself that you did not start it and you do not need to finish it.
Validate your friends feelings. Speak individually and validate their feelings of frustration with the situation and being disappointed in you for “not standing up.” Just because they feel like that does not mean that they are correct. This may sound something like, “I understand why you are frustrated or hurt that I did not stand up for you. I hope that you can understand why I am unable to in this situation. I care about you both and I need you two to resolve the problem on your own.”
Be clear about your feelings and what you need. After you validate their emotions, explain how you feel and what you need from both of them. It may sound something like, “I am coming to speak with you because this situation between you and friend #2 is paralyzing me with anxiety, making me uncomfortable, and dampening my wedding experience. You were both chosen to be bridesmaids because you are very important to me and I want you to be part of my special day. I want that day to be a celebration of love, friendship, and family without stress. Can you support that?”
Be ready to make some tough decisions if necessary. If your friends are not figuring out their conflict by now for the sake of you, you may need to state, “If you are unable or unwilling to resolve the conflict, I need you to choose to step back from being in the bridal party.” This gives them a choice in what they want to do and ideally helps you avoid having to de-invite one from the bridal party or wedding. Sharing your perspective and the impact on your well-being is vital because people sometimes lose that when involved in their own conflict or drama. Asking them to solve the problem shifts the responsibility back onto them, especially if they are used to you being the problem solver or peacemaker.
All in all, if your friends are relatively emotionally healthy individuals, these steps should “disarm” them and they should be motivated to resolve the conflict for both your sake and for themselves. However, the reality is that people are often stuck in rigid patterns of thinking and behavior and you may be met with anger, guilt bombs, or a refusal to fix the situation. If so, know that you did what you could within reason and be okay with whatever boundaries you need to put around your wedding experience. Your future self will thank you for it.
Best of luck with your friends and I hope that you have a wonderful wedding day!
Interested in submitting a question to Dr. Lauren? Submit anonymously here.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog or video, including any references, links, or other knowledge resources are for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or clinical advice, diagnosis, or medical intervention.
