My Raw Truth About Self-Love

The concept of self-love always alluded me, frankly because I didn't feel it. I often felt exactly the opposite of love for myself. I felt less than enough. Broken and damaged. In my teens, twenties, and thirties, when I would think about what self-love was, I would conclude that it was something other people felt, but I didn't. Maybe self-love was the radiant self-confidence some people naturally seemed to exude. Maybe it was a love for self that God had gifted to the ones who were the life of the party. Maybe it was for those who had extraordinary talents, like Mary Lou Retton on my Wheaties box. I didn't consider myself one of those people, so I hated the concept of self-love. Defensively, I chalked it up as Pollyanna—the ones who seemed to have self-love just weren't that smart. I was definitely a self-love cynic. The idea seemed empty and superficial to me.

After going through puberty I struggled with anxiety and depression. While many people around me looked like they were doing just fine, I wasn't. This made me extremely angry. It seemed unfair. Like a curse. In my early twenties I began taking anti-depressants and have been on them ever since. Thank God. Anti-depressants gave me at least a floor of emotional stability, enough for me to begin feeling hopeful about working on my relationship to myself, rather than feeling like a complete lost cause.

Ironically, from the outside, throughout my teens, twenties, and thirties, I was high achieving. Mostly because I needed affirmation outside of myself to feel worthy and worked hard to get it. I went to top notch universities, earned a master's degree in creative writing and a law degree. I opened my own businesses and became successful by society's standards, but inside I didn't feel successful at all.

In my early forties while navigating a divorce, I went through the deepest depression I'd ever experienced. It lasted for years. I underwent intense counseling, and immersed myself in the practice of yoga, meditation, mindfulness, and breath work. I had no choice. I was trying to save my own life. Through these practices, I slowly became aware of how I was treating myself. I came to the understanding that self-love is not a noun, a thing that some people are born with, and others are not. Self-love is a verb, a practice. An enormous shift took place. I know and more importantly feel what self-love is.

These are my three golden self-love practices now:

1. I notice the way I speak to myself internally and I ask myself if I am being kind. 

If I am not, I rephrase what I want to say to myself, so it is nurturing and supportive. The operative word here is “notice.” As soon as I notice how I am speaking to myself, I have the power to change it. Mindfulness practices have helped me cultivate awareness, so I notice more and more quickly when I am talking to myself in a harmful way. I notice mostly because when I speak to myself negatively my body feels heavy and drained of energy. I believe negative self-talk was a large contributing factor to my anxiety and depression. When I switch and talk to myself with compassion, I feel lighter in my body and hopeful. Now, I truly cherish and treasure my inner conversation with myself. I am my own best friend. This didn't happen overnight. Building trust with anyone, including with yourself takes time. It's required deliberate presence and attention on my part. And, it's the most precious and rewarding work I've ever done.

My Golden Practice: If what I am saying to myself makes me feel horrible, then it isn't truth. I can find a way to say the same thing in a loving way so I feel supported.

For example: "You're a bad mother. You don't spend enough quality time with your son. You're horrible at prioritizing. He'll probably end up with problems when he is older because of it," versus, "you're so busy being a single mother, earning an income to support you and your son as well as doing all the household tasks, doctors appointments, and school support. You're doing your best and sometimes it feels like you don't get enough quality time with your son. Let's sit down with your calendar and find one time this week you can set aside to do something fun with your son. It'll be nourishing for you and for him."

2. I release family relationships and friendships that don't bring out the best in me. 

For some of those relationships it has meant no contact. For others, minimal contact. A hard lesson for me to swallow was that how I felt about myself and how I treated myself, is how others treated me and how I treated them, especially in my closest relationships. For many years, I suffered in my family relationships and romantic relationships. Still, along the way, God graced me with deep and abiding friendships with people who were on their own self-love journey, who saw a light and potential in me, and never gave up on me, even when I was at my worst. I am eternally grateful for those relationships and am sure I would not have made it to where I am today without them. 

Now, more often than not, when someone says or does something disrespectful to me, I am able to respond by setting clear boundaries in a calm way, rather than lashing out in anger. It feels good to be able to do this for myself even if it means disappointing someone else or being cut off by them. The price is 100% worth it to me. Many scientific studies show that the kind of people we surround ourselves with is the largest determining factor for our mental and physical health and wellness over time. I believe part of my struggle with depression and anxiety was a lack of healthy boundaries. I used to believe that if I drew boundaries, I would end up alone. I am much less alone now than I've ever been before.

My Golden Practice: Healthy boundaries open space for people to enter my life who love me the way I love myself now, who speak to me the way I speak to myself now. 

3. I value my time. 

How I spend my minutes and hours is a reflection of how much I value myself. I used to say "yes" to many requests from other people because I was afraid of being alone and I wanted to feel needed. I looked for my sense of value outside of myself. If I did a "good" job or pleased someone else, I believed I was a worthy human. I believe part of my depression and anxiety came from grasping for outward affirmation instead of valuing my time and energy.

Now, I try to pay close attention to how I am spending my time and how it makes me feel in my body. Is what I am doing energizing me or depleting me? Am I helping someone else to my own detriment? For example, am I giving up sleep time that I need to feel my best? Am I taking hours in my day to do something for someone else and robbing those hours away from projects that I am passionate about, that I have promised myself to prioritize? If the answer to that question is "yes," I say "no.” Life is astonishingly short. 

My Golden Practice: When I value my time, I am showing myself love and sending the message to myself that my life is precious and meaningful.

I have enough wisdom now to know that self-love is not a God-given gift for some and not others. And, here's the beautiful thing, depression and anxiety are not innate either. What I needed to heal was my relationship to myself. Although I am still on medication and healing is a never ending journey, it is rare that I feel overwhelmed by anxiety or depression. Most of time I feel joyful, blessed, and excited about my life.

Today, I can truly say that I love myself. I love how I speak to myself. I love who I allow into my life. I love the ways I spend time with myself. I know that how I love myself is how I teach others to treat and love me. I know that how I love myself is how I love others. I know that how I love myself determines the kind of people, experiences, and opportunities I will attract into my life. Now, whenever I am struggling with anything or anyone, I have learned to pause, breath and turn toward myself, instead of trying to change what is happening outside of me. As soon as I'm able to come into loving alignment with myself, the struggle seems to fade and what opens up is always an incredible opportunity to grow deeper and stronger in my relationship to myself, to cultivate more self-love.