Pregnancy Loss Awareness: A Compassionate Conversation

Trigger warning: this article contains personal details of pregnancy loss.

Photo: Bump Boxes

I had 6 miscarriages. I am 1 in 4. A statistic no one wants to be a part of, but one that is so very real: one in four pregnancies result in a miscarriage. The first time, they called it a “chemical.” A chemical? I had a positive pregnancy test, which for me was so much more than just that — I had calculated the expected due date, wondered the baby’s gender, even added a few more names to the ever-growing list on my phone’s notepad. It was hard moving forward, but we did. We always did.  

The next pregnancy resulted in another positive test, and even seeing the baby’s heartbeat … not once, but twice. This was it! We were finally going to be parents after years of hoping, praying, saving, holding our breath. We drove to our final ultrasound at our fertility clinic — it was supposed to be our graduation day — filled to the brim with nervous excitement. And then we heard the words that so many have heard: I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat. The moments following are hard to recall; did I black out? Was this really happening? We later discovered it was a boy. He had Down Syndrome. We love him so much. I was carrying more than my son. I was carrying hope, love, gratitude, joy, and a new identity as a mom. All of that was taken away that blustery February afternoon sitting in that cold, sterile ultrasound room.

In the years to follow, we suffered four more pregnancy losses—an ectopic, a blighted ovum, a fall and subsequent concussion from blood loss, and even a miscarriage in our incredible gestational carrier’s body. While each loss had a different story, each one carried the same gut-wrenching devastation, grief, and isolation. I was often asked during our journey how we found the strength to keep going. I never really knew what to say in response to that question. Oftentimes I would reply, “what choice do we have?” I didn’t feel strong, I didn’t feel resilient, I didn’t feel any of the things people called me. I felt weak, I felt broken, I felt alone. As I reflect back now during Pregnancy Loss Awareness month, which is held every year during the month of October, I know there are many parts of our journey that kept us propelling forward. But the biggest part? By far, it was the community we grew around us.

Understanding Pregnancy Loss

Pregnancy loss, encompassing miscarriage, stillbirth, and other forms of reproductive loss, remains a deeply personal and often silently borne tragedy. Despite its prevalence, it is frequently shrouded in silence and stigma. Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month aims to bring this topic into the open, fostering empathy, understanding, and support for those who endure such heart-wrenching experiences. 

Pregnancy loss can occur at various stages. Early pregnancy loss, or miscarriage, typically happens within the first 20 weeks, whereas stillbirth is defined as the loss of a baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy. Other related experiences include ectopic pregnancies, where the embryo implants outside the uterus, and molar pregnancies, where abnormal tissue grows instead of a viable embryo. Each type of loss carries its own emotional and physical ramifications, making education and individualized support essential.  

Emotional Impact

The emotional toll of pregnancy loss is profound, often encompassing feelings of grief, guilt, anger, and loneliness. The societal expectation to "move on" or to keep the loss private can exacerbate feelings of isolation, leading to symptoms of depression and anxiety. Recognizing the full spectrum of emotions and validating the grieving process as a legitimate and necessary journey is crucial in supporting those affected. 

Raising Awareness

Awareness initiatives play a pivotal role in breaking the silence surrounding pregnancy loss. By fostering open conversations, we can dismantle the taboos and misconceptions that prevent people from seeking help and support. Platforms for sharing personal stories, whether through social media, blogs, or support groups, allow those who have experienced loss to connect with others who understand their pain. Organizations such as Share, Pregnancy Loss Support Program, PALS and RTZ Hope are all wonderful resources for spreading awareness, education, and support.

Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month provides a dedicated time to focus on these issues. Activities such as remembrance ceremonies, awareness walks, and educational seminars help to bring pregnancy loss into the public consciousness. Advocacy for more research into the causes and prevention of pregnancy loss, as well as improved support services, is also a critical component of raising awareness.

Support Systems

A comprehensive support system is vital for those navigating pregnancy loss. This includes medical care, mental health counseling, and peer support networks. Health professionals must be equipped to provide not only the physical care needed but also sensitive, trauma-informed communication that acknowledges the emotional dimensions of the loss. After every miscarriage, I was so blessed to have a nurse and physician who would sit with us, process with us, not once looking at their watch. I realize what a privilege it was to have the undivided support of medical professionals, something that often requires advocacy on the patient’s behalf.

I don’t know that I would be a parent today if it weren’t for the community I was fortunate to have as support throughout our journey. I personally developed lifelong connections with some women I met in a Resolve Support Group after the loss of my son. Support groups, both in-person and online, offer a space of shared experience where individuals can find comfort and advice. Additional groups are offered through Pregnancy Loss Support Program, PSI and RTZ Hope. I leaned into my husband, as well as the family members and close friends with whom I felt safe and supported, setting boundaries with those who provided anything but safety and support. We navigated this journey together, oftentimes stumbling our way through, figuring out what was most helpful and what made us feel worse. It was the heartfelt messages of validation, not platitudes, that helped the most. Instead of “At least you can get pregnant,” saying “This sucks so much, I’m coming over now.”  Instead of “It wasn’t meant to be,” saying “I’m so sorry.”  

Moving Forward

While nothing can erase the pain of losing a pregnancy, fostering an environment of understanding and support can help those affected to heal. Encouraging open dialogue and acknowledging the grief associated with pregnancy loss are steps toward a more compassionate and informed society. By uniting in awareness and support, we can honor those who have experienced loss and ensure they do not walk their path alone.

Pregnancy loss awareness is not just about recognizing the prevalence of these experiences but also about providing a compassionate response that validates and supports the emotional journeys of those affected. Through open dialogue, dedicated awareness efforts, and comprehensive support, we can create a more empathetic world where the silent suffering of pregnancy loss is met with understanding and care. 

This is not the first time I have shared my pregnancy loss history, nor will it be my last. I’ve shared my story many times, sometimes in very public ways. While it’s hard at times, I choose to because we don’t talk about this kind of grief enough. By sharing my experience, I hope to make it a little more acceptable to talk about. I am now honored to be a therapist who gets to support the 1 in 4, and not a day goes by that I don’t experience deep gratitude for this privilege. If you or someone you love is looking for support, please reach out to Women's Therapy & Wellness - you are not alone and you deserve support.

SEE ALSO: Conceiving Hope: Navigating Mental Health During Infertility